Friday, December 30, 2005
guess i stopping my story. no use continuing. lol. hmm. there's 1 thing i wanna say. thx god for helping mi. i made 2 prayers. and one of them came true, another one not really. onli half? wad prayers i made? ask mi. lol. this few days didnt blog coz sick ah. pathetic mi. lol~ then ytd heard a story about a guy losing his first love and oso having family prob. compare his to mine, i dunno how many fucking times worse than him. he onli met wif this prob at 14. my family, i met it be4 14 for goodness sake. and my mum treated mi as a "chu qi tong" when my father quarrelled finished wif her and went out. u noe the fucking feeling? i did nth wrong and freaking hell get scolded for fucking shit. y am i becoming more and more vulgar? becoz i cant tolerate anymore shit. how would u feel when u r in my stupid fucking small wooden boat? which may juz sink in the big sea anytime! juz becoz of onli seeing once his parent quarrelled and the same time where he broke up wif his first love, is as painful as mi getting maligned and scolded for nth i had done? i dun think so. i felt mine is far more worse than him. 14yr old boi. u dunno the real pain and hardship juz yet. u think u very painful huh? sympatheize. i noe this is wad u wan. but i wont show to ya for i dun hav any fucking feelings! im a dead person who like to freaking hell scold u this act pity fellow. dislike mi? tat's great. im liddat, wad can u guys do who r reading my blog?
NEVER LEAVE ANYTHING TO BE DONE TML CAUSE U WONT NOE IF TML WOULD COME FOR U! remember this in mind.
``\\ Loving you is all bout mE //``
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
my door is becoming more and more colourful. now it's filled wif 1 more color. black. so now, have black, green, blue, red and yellow. nice huh? live for 5yrs 5 colour. and i fall sick ytd, tat's y didnt update mi blog. sry bout it. tml wont be updating i think. coz i tml most probably OT till 9pm. reached home slp. friday OT till 9pm again. hehe. anything juz call mi hp! lol. and er. firstly, siyin! u better take gd care of urself. if not i kill u. and secondly, xanne! u oso better take gd care of urself, if not i er..u noe.. =X loL! and lastly, miself! i better take gd care of miself. if not i jump down building. LOL! =X jk. wakaka. read a newspaper article, a cutie wormie grow inside a woman brain. till 21cm long. curl curl curl up inside her small tiny brain for 4yrs. woohoo~ reason of wormie got inside. she do tat wif alot of different guys! jk. becoz she ate raw cute little froggies. and the wormie climb up to her brain thru a dunno wad nerve. lOL! my chinese sux. sry >.<" then eat her "nao xi bao" to survive. this wormie dug out by doctor it break into 5pieces liao. then doc add 37degrees dunno wad water to it then it join back! OMG so kawaii neh. and continue to live. 37degrees is our temperature wor^^ careful ah guys, sign of having a wormie inside ur brain. lost of memory in a short term. erm. and oso u fainted suddenly for no reason. this 2 sign onli. tat's wad the newspaper said. lol.. so er. take care guys!
``\\ Loving you is all bout mE //``
Monday, December 26, 2005
we walked home after tat. i really love my mum. she treated mi so gd. When i'm 11yrs old, i'm becoming bad. Fights, ran out of school, bully and steal things. Well, got caught by police. Black record. Fighting and ran out of school both oso get caught as well. It's obvious though but i dun care. Till im 12yrs old, there was once a loanshark came, and i saw him outside door looking. i went over ask wad he wan. he said he finding my father. i said he went to jail liao. and he replied, u dun try to bluff mi kid. i diao him, stare into his eyes and replied loudly, U DUN BELIEVE U GO JAIL SEE FUCKER! he shouted back at mi, U DARE OPEN DOOR NOT? i replied, Y NOT!? U WAIT HERE I GO GET KEY! by the time i came out wif key, his gone. a big guy scare of mi? i dun giv a damn about those loanshark anymore. they r juz useless.
To Be Continued...
Having a father and not having a father makes a big different for me. y? wif him around, i can hav peace. But when he went in to jail, he still went to borrow money from loanshark be4 going in. for fuck? make mi and my mum suffer outside? and guess wad, he still expect mi to go visit him! he is daydreaming. i wont ever "swear" wont go visit him. u break ur fucking promise and now bring all this troubles to us. i wont call u father anymore. *Swear* dun ever think tat i will go visit u again! fucker bastard asshole. useless brother of my gd aunt. my aunt is far more better than u! at least she cares about mi. u? DUN FREAKING GIV A DAMN!
I thought i'm back wif feeling. But i'm wrong again. The feeling i have now, it's unable to describe, the feeling it's like there's no emotion. i wont laugh, wont smile, wont sad, wont feel anything for anyone, anything. there are times u see mi smile, laugh, joke everything. it's fake. my heart it's dead. wad can i do to make it revive back? and.. yin.. im sry. i'll try to break myself free from the darkness de. i wanna go wif u to the light when u're standing at. im trying to fight my way out. trying real hard....
``\\ Loving you is all bout mE //``
Sunday, December 25, 2005
I cried. Ran to my pillow and hide under it continuing crying. It's so pain. My mum, after awhile came in and asked mi to go wash face and eat dinner. I told her im not hungry and i dun wan to wash. I just wan to slp tat's all! Since tat day onwards, i told myself, everyone is evil, no one is kind. Until once, my favourite toy gun i playing wif it and i accidentally slipped it. It fell into a 3metre deep drain. My mum told mi nvm, she'll get a new one for me but i keep saying i dun wan, i onli wan tat. And my mum actually went down to take it for me! My mum, changed my thought, my feeling for her. She actually went down to pick it up for me. 3metre deep, it's higher than her and she got to climb the ladders with her bag on as she juz finished work.
To Be Continued...
erm. my story look like real story meh? LOL! maybe my thinking too gd to make it real le? can i be story teller? LOL! =X
Suddenly have the feeling of giving up everything in life. Things i wanna get, i cant get it. But things i dun wan to get, it keep giving mi chance and chances to get it no matter how hard i try to avoid. so wad for trying so hard to get it? y not juz dun giv a damn about anything n live my fucking life off wif no aims, goals and targets. wad for striving so hard to get something which i wont get? no matter wad i did, it's the very best i can do, yet i still unable to move her heart. even a little bit, of her trust? her to share probs wif me? Am i really such a failure person when wooing a person i love? AM I REALLY SUCH A FAILURE?! 11months of liking and waiting. it's kinda pain..suffering...
today is christmas, wish everyone a merry christmas day! wakaka=P erm. countdown wif mi cousins and buddies. lol. they look stupid=x dun wanna tell u how. loL! =X er. then after tat went cycling abit then go sit at vista park chit-chat. eat maggie too. LOL! then er. around 5am+, felt like raining le, went under blk to rest. tony go sheng h0use to bath, coz he going meet his dear dear than sheng go home bath oso coz he got work. then ran go home report to papa. LOL! thomas come mi house slp-_-. stupid pig. lOL! =X then i play dota till now. 7+ am. then come here to blog. loL!~ er. write till here ba. coz it's stopped here. loL!
``\\ Loving you is all bout mE //``
Friday, December 23, 2005
I have been living with my mum alone ever since. From primary one, which is 7 yrs old, i hav been under special training. "Caning training". Everytime i unable to memorise the word for my spelling, i will receive the training. From Primary one to Primary three i have received countless times of this training. From then on, i'm not afraid of getting canned anymore. y? becoz my skin hav harden, no feeling. one day, i'm really cant tolerate anymore, i took all the cane and throw it out of windows. My mum giv mi a tight slap for doing so. It's hurt. The first time she slapped mi. Im totally hurt inside my heart. She actually slapped me, her very own son.
To Be Continued...
Love hurts alot seriously. U feel hurts when u fall for some1. y? becoz when u r unable to see tat person, u felt so uncomfortable. when u r unable to be wif tat person, u tend to feel upset. when u see tat person wif opposite sex together chit-chatting happily, u feel hurt. so why love? when one person have been hurt for alot of times, he tend to lose the feeling of life. the feeling to live on in this world. he is unable to take it anymore if he got hurt a lot of times. He will feel tat life is meaningless. there's nth left for him to live on. Thus, he will feel senseless in everything he do. He dun giv a damn about the surrounding which happen. He onli hav her in his mind and nth else. love.. does this really exist? do u really noe wad is love? the happiness of love? the feeling of loving ppl?
waa..today so tired. went to erm. somewhere to buy present for xanne bd. belated bd present>.< well..but i still get it. i think it's kinda nice. haha. hope tml pass to her she'll like it. =D then went to play dota wif mi buddies at lan. 6 of us. 3 a side. lol. kinda fun la..although im not really in the mood to play. for some reason. dun ask mi wad reason coz i wont tell ya. loL! i juz keep dying. tat's wad i do. jazz msged mi, asked mi sunday free not, go her er. celebration for christmas. wa. cannot make it coz monday got to work then need to rest on sunday. then after playing 11pm liddat le. went out cwp (titanic) place sit and chat. haha..saw the LJS wanting again. she working there, then we make fun of ran again. LOL! purposely ask him to go buy drinks for us. LOL! then funny is, when she saw us, she turn another side and laugh then turn back again. LOL! i guess it's becoz she saw mi happi? LOL! jk. is saw ran ge happi! LOL!!! then wei said tat she blur diao when asking us for order. LOL! omg, so freaking funny. well, for them. im not in the mood to laugh actually although im laughing. but in my heart, it's dead. no feeling. went home after tat. now i wrote this blog. it's 11pm+ le. erm. stop here le.
``\\ Loving you is all bout mE //``
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Father went to jail when i'm 8 yrs old. All left for us is those loanshark. My mum told them he went to jail, dun believe go check it out. It have been alot of times they came, not one, but many. After weeks of persuading, they finally gave up. No more loansharks, no more owing of money. Finally, i'm out of darkness, i thought. But looking at my door, it's so horrible. There's red, green, blue, yellow and black. I don't have the courage to even walk to the door. I don't dare to touch it. A 8 yrs old kid, living in this house, so tough. Went to prison with my aunt to visit father, he said: "I'll promise u i won't gamble again when i come out." And i told him: "If u ever get in again, i won't come and visit u again." I hoped he kept his promise just like how i am.
To Be Continued...
i hurt her. siyin.my mummy. im sry. i made u feel sad. sry sry sry. today while working, suddenly feeling down. y? im not sure, maybe it's becoz of something about my past. i hav never been feeling down for such a long time. and now it happens. Whenever it happens, i doesn't have the mood to talk to anyone. I don't giv a damn about my surrounding, not a single piece of shit i care. haiz..my past? well, i finally noe tat i still like her. but i can't bring up the courage to tell her. I don't know how. I felt..if she were to be wif mi, there will not be happiness. This is wad i felt. i can't accompany her always, i got to work, for my income, my mum and this house. I need to keep working OT to have enff money for myself. haiz.. Fm933 said: "unhappiness put aside and continue to live on with happiness." 1 question, how? by juz this word, im unable to overcome it. how, how am i able to continue and how am i able to put it aside the unhappiness? u think it's tat easy? u can onli keep it from others, but not putting it aside, coz it cant be left aside...
i regret not telling her tat time tat i like her, she asked mi i still like her, my reply was, i dunno. kinda regret. i told my mummy, i cant forget her, i still like her but i dun dare to say..no courage. my mummy gave mi a few advises and finally, i dare to tell her. i msged her.no replies. thinking whether her hp was confiscated again. hoped it's not..waited and waited and waited, still no replies. kinda upset. went to play dota at cwp lan shop wif my buddies after work. haiz..while playing halfway, i received sms! open it up, it's mummy. i thought it's her. haiz..didnt really hav the mood to reply, but well, she's my mummy, i got to reply her. i put up a happi face when playing, but im not happi deep inside. she did not reply. after playing, it's 830pm. mummy msged mi, said need my help, i wondered. wad help..so i asked..erm, this one ma..confidential. sry ah guys. mama! wish ya luck, dun upset le! when u r better le hope u can share wif mi. i dun mind sharing sorrow wif ya but i wish tat can share happiness wif u^^
i wan to noe her answer, i wanna noe if i hav chance. i juz wanna noe the truth. i noe it will be hurtful if the truth is not wad i wan. but i dun mind, it's better than be kept in the dark rite? hope i can get an answer. all this months cant get her out of my mind.
``\\ Loving you is all bout mE //``
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
next day...
*yawn* it's so bright..argh..there's alot of babies around me..they are so cute!.........
8yrs passed, hav been growing up wif hardship, pain and suffering. Father is a gambler who always bring alot of loanshark back home while mother is working so hard to maintain the house alone. During this 8yrs, i hav been growing up in fear. Didn't dare to go anywhere alone other than in my house. During midnight, sometime there would be loanshark knocking at the door very hard. Everytime i heard it, i dare not open my eyes to see it. I have been living in darkness with a lot of devils around. It's pain. Unable to decribe pain.
To Be Continued...
will i hav a chance to be wif u? i dunno..hav been asking myself this question umpteen times. but i could't get an answer, coz tat answer lies wif u. onli u noe the answer and i..the one waiting for the answer. how long will i need to wait to noe the answer? how long more are u going to tell me? times flies, it's 21/12/2005 already.. i hav went thru so much for this 2005. there are joy, sadness and confusion. in the end, wad did i get to hav? for now, confusion. no joy, no sadness..juz purely confusion. wad confusion? this shall be a secret..onli i, myself will noe it..
``\\ Loving you is all bout mE //``
for those new ppl who came to my blog, i hav been writing stories..haha..this is my 2nd story tat i started..took it from last blog..for easy preverence next time..wakaka=P coz tat blog will be SHUTTING DOWN! ^^"
*ah! it's so bright!! where am i? what am i doing here? why i felt im so sticky! AH! THERE'S LOAD OF BLOOD ON MI! *CRY* ****next day....*yawn.. ahh..it's so bright again..maybe i should look around see where am i..wow..so many babies around me..there's 2 idiots looking at mi! who are they? stop staring at mi! *CRY* ****"look at our baby, it's so cute. although he is quite dark. he cry is so cute!" said mum. "yea he is. our first baby..a baby boy. so gd!" *im so sleepy..i wanna slp..zzzzz*To Be Continued...
``\\ Loving you is all bout mE //``
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
for me, new blog means new self, new self means a new me..everything is new. the old me, it's gone. i shall now change, to a person who treat everyone equally. no unfairness, try to maintain peace for everyone. how? im not sure, juz take steps by steps. i noe i cant do this alone, there4 i need everyone who read my blog to help mi! dun u guys like world peace too? wif no hatred, no selfishness, no anger but onli joy filled the whole world! think of it, wouldn't it be great to see everyone around u sharing things, smiling at each other, treated everyone as a part of ur family members. ain't tat great? u may think..im stupid? mad? something screwed in my brain? this wouldn't happen rite? well, if everyone is thinking the same way as this, then the world will remain the same...
``\\ Loving you is all bout mE //``
