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Saturday, February 11, 2006
so many days didnt blogged. alot of things happened. cut my fingers and palms. bleed here and there. pain till like im used to it. haha.. dun worry, those cuts is becoz of work. not to release my stress. eventhough im really stress now. damn stress. got my O's result. l1r4 33points. onli have ITE to go. but it seems like there's no ways to pay thru CPF? if cant, im unable to study any further. as most of u noe, my stupid dumb fucking idiotic mum. she's damn stupid.. im really dunno wad i can say to her liao. i onli noe i juz try to avoid her as much as possible. tat's wad i felt. i wanna choose to go NS now.. but i dun wan to be trap inside and unable to see "her". i wanna avoid mum but wan to see "her". wad should i do? i dunno..really dunno. im confused. got my pay recently, $400. gave her $200 left wif $200. how to eat.. my bill is $100+. and i still owe ivan $50. haiz. it's like my debts wont finish. how am i able to hav saving? everyone keep telling mi to SAVE SAVE SAVE! SAVE FUCK? SAVE VIRGIN? SAVE MONEY? SAVE CB LANJIAO MONEY! U TELL MI WHERE CAN I GET THE FUCKING HELL MONEY TO SAVE? nnb..
date her out on this coming valentine day. but she told mi she not sure whether she's free or not. and someone date her as well. wad does this mean? i dunno. haiz.. does i really hav a chance at all? am i really did alot of bad things in the past tat i ended up in this fucking state? do u think i wanted to in the past? ever anyone trying to noe y? NO ONE! YES AND I MEAN NO ONE! NOT A FUCKING PERSON WANNA NOE! EVERYTIME I JUZ HUG MY PILLOW AND CRY! there's nth i can do but this. i still unable to fully trust some1 who can share my prob seriously. am i still as my usual self? the loner. no one to truly befren wif?
i wanna work hard. earn alot of money. but does the company giv mi chance? NO! they juz keep saying. NO OT! NO OT! NO OT! even i wanted to work hard, but no work for mi, how am i able to? and how am i able to hav money to eat? to save? to spend? to giv mum?
suicide? i thought of it be4. but i promised some1 i wont ever think of doing it. so..run away from home? felt like doing so.. but to where? i hav no idea. i hav no money to run away. how to run? haiz..
i am wondering, when they r even unable to support mi, y giv birth to mi? they r juz horny? did things to satisfy themselves? could be. if not y tat bastard still find mistress? he juz damn fucking horny bastard. at times, i'm really glad to born in this world, in this family. but at times i hate it. its the same for everyone too, rite? there's ups and downs in everyone life. i dun believe there's not a single person wifout having any problems.
``\\ Loving you is all bout mE //``
